The sun was shining, I was having my picture taken by my best friend, after weeks of nausea and low energy I was finally feeling good and my 12 week scan was later that week.
I was beginning to feel safe in the knowledge that I’d made the 12 week pregnancy milestone!
Later that same week we went to the 12 week scan, it didn’t go the way we’d hoped.
‘I’m sorry Natalie it’s bad news, there’s no heartbeat’.
I’d had a missed miscarriage at around 8 weeks.
This means the embryo was still in my womb but no longer living.
I had the choice of an operation which meant a general anaesthetic or to give it 2 weeks to happen naturally.
I opted for the latter as I haven’t taken so much as a painkiller in 4 years.
The wait was hard…
I still felt pregnant initially but after a week or so I noticed my breasts were less full but my belly still swollen. It was hard to look at my naked body, so I didn’t.
I was afraid of the pain to come and with each passing day it got harder. I was on edge!
Eventually it began. But it didn’t happen all in one day like I’d expected. It was a slow build.
12 days after we received the bad news I was woken up by the pain at 3am.
The pain was so bad I’d been sick within 10 minutes of waking.
The excruciating pain and sickness continued for over 6 hours. Fortunately my mum and sister came at 3.30am to help me through it.
I wouldn’t wish anyone to go through that alone, at times I thought I was dying. And I’m not being melodramatic, I consider myself to have a high pain threshold usually.
I thought that was it but unfortunately a week later I ended up in hospital at 5am with complications.
It’s been a difficult few weeks!
I’ve felt physically exhausted but of course there’s the emotional aspect too.
I’ve felt sad and I’ve shed many tears as I thought about the hopes and dreams that come with learning you are expecting a baby.
In the past I would have asked why me and thought that life hates me.
I would also have shut down and pretended that everything was ok and would have carried on with life as if it were.
But I’ve done a lot of work on my mindset over the last 12 months which allowed me to handle this in a much healthier way.
I’ve been open and honest about it to many and I’ve shared my feelings which was a struggle for me in the past.
I didn’t push myself to burnout, instead I afforded myself the time to rest and recover. Both my mind and my body.
I feel at peace with what has happened and I know life is not happening to me, but for me.
I know that I have already learned a lot from this experience and that I will use that to help others.
As a Lifestyle coach I can sometimes feel the pressure to show how happy and sunny my life is, which it is for the most part.
But the reality is that life does have ups and downs and heartbreak as well as happy times and it’s important to me to be authentic when sharing my journey.
