Well this parenting business sure is … a learning curve isn’t it!
“Get to your room now”
“You will do as you are told”
“I will give you something to cry about in a minute”
“Good girls don’t behave like this”
Are words that I NEVER want to come out of my mouth. Yet they are words that were spoken to me as a child – and thus is my parenting blueprint.
(No judgement of my childhood invited here. We all just do the best we can and it was a very different era).
My conscious decision is to parent differently to the way I was parented and this requires a lot of mental effort in the moments like tonight when my buttons are pushed.
To give context I am not currently as emotionally regulated as I would usually like to be on account of very little alone time to recalibrate over the last week or so with the childminder on holiday, a small village and being a solo parent.
(No violins required just painting a picture).
So tonight when my beautiful daughter decided she did not want to go to bed in favour of playing with her new dolls house…
And had a right old paddy about it, which hasn’t happened in this scenario before now as she is usually pretty compliant albeit after always requesting ‘one more minute’ several times, which I do oblige.
However, after too many one more minute requests I stated it was now bed time.
Cue frustrated outburst!
This is my moment of choice…
In a split second I have to remember that when my buttons are pushed and I am in a dysregulated state myself that old blueprints will try to take centre stage!
In this moment I have to be bigger than my subconscious programming.
I breath…
I select my words thoughtfully – It is bed time now darling you can play with the dolls house tomorrow…
I acknowledge her frustration and offer her a cuddle which she declines. I tell her a cuddle is available when she is ready for it…
The outburst continues.
Shit what do I do?
Do I give in for an easy life and let her play on?
I decide against this because I want to model setting and honouring your own boundaries even if the other persons is not in agreement. I do not want to model people pleasing.
Do I pick her up and force her against her will! Absolutely not.
I am very mindful not to shame how she is feeling. I want her to know all emotions are welcome and valid and to show her how to express those in healthy ways. A tall order when I am still learning this myself!
I encourage her to take some deep breaths with me – nope!
I suggest she copies me as I start shaking various parts of my body to regulate the nervous system – nope!
This is ok because I know that the more I model this the more it will become our norm to take action to regulate ourselves when we really need it.
I feel proud of myself for remembering to bring these self care steps in when under pressure.
It does seem to calm her though, it helps that I have been able to stay calm myself.
She follows me to the bedroom and finally accepts my cuddle 🤗
I scoop her up knowing that cuddle regulates us both. I know I sure needed it in that moment…
I start to describe some of her happy experiences from the day which she enjoys. I do this knowing that recalling them will release feel good hormones and help her to settle.
PJ’s on we climb into her bed for a cuddle and she goes off pretty quickly.
As I lay there waiting for her to fall asleep I replayed the scenario and felt really proud of myself for how I showed up and put into practice all I have learned from my own healing, seeking of knowledge and reparenting of myself.
I also acknowledge that on a different day I may not handle it so well and what will be really important on that inevitable day is these two things…
The first will be apologising to Faith where I have shown up in a way that goes against my values and doesn’t honour her as an equal and individual.
The second will be being gracious with myself, accepting my humanness, knowing I did the best I could in that moment AND that I must do better next time.
I honestly feel that we have got it all wrong when we come from a place of thinking we are here to teach our children.
They are the ones that teach us!
I am grateful Faith picked me to be her mummy so we could take this learning journey called life together 💜
P.S. Mums I dont buy it when you say you don’t have time for self care or your personal development because you’re too busy with mum life…
Self care and personal development is how we show up as parents we are proud of.
It’s how we parent our beautiful children in a way that allows them to grow up as healthy, regulated and emotionally secure adults.
It starts with us. We have to model what it is that we want for them.
Children don’t do what we say… they become who we are!
The coaching I do with women creates them as being in a predominantly regulated state with the tools to get back to regulated when needed, and a deep level of self awareness so that they can show up in their life consciously and purposefully.
The work we do together will have a beautiful impact on the relationship with your children but also your partner, family, friends, boss, career, health etc…
And it all stems from the relationship you have with you.
If you are ready to take the relationship with you to the next level so that you can experience more health, happiness, energy and vitality across your life send me a message.
Let’s explore how we can work together 💜
