I’d feel my brain burning with repeating thoughts of…
I’ve said the wrong thing. Clearly I don’t know what I’m talking about!
Obviously they are right and I am in the wrong!
They don’t like me now and they won’t want to talk to me anymore!
I’ve shown myself to be stupid, what an idiot!
And my stomach would churn with the feeling of failing, of being a bad person, of being stupid and the worst of all, of being abandoned.
Urghh it was exhausting and I’d feel so drained.
All this from speaking my truth…
A want or need
It was so uncomfortable!
So painful and exhausting that I learned to stay quiet. To comply. To be and do what others wanted.
To ignore my own needs.
Yet the fear of being rejected and abandoned was always there under the surface creating those intrusive thoughts and the stomach churning…
I tried so hard to keep the peace, to get the approval I needed to feel ok but my efforts never seemed quite enough!
People did leave, they did give me the silent treatment and they were disappointed in me.
And even when they weren’t, my perception that they were created pain.
My anticipation that they would created pain.
Pain in my mind, my heart and in my body.
I got help.
I was going to say I had to but I didn’t. I could have stayed suffering, many do.
I wanted to because I wanted to feel happier and healthier.
I wanted to be able to be speak up and be ok with other people not being ok with it (and often they actually are).
I wanted to be free to be who I know myself to be.
And I’m so glad I did.
Being me feels good. So good 🥰
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